This week's song:
22
by Lily Allen
When she was 22 her future looked bright
But she's nearly 30 now and she's out every night
I see that look in her face, she's got that look in her eye
She's thinking "How did I get here?" and wondering why
[[Chorus]]
It's sad that it's true how society says her life is already over
There's nothing to do and there's nothing to say
Until the man of her dreams come along
Picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age
She's got an alright job but it's not a career
Whenever she thinks about it, it brings her to tears
'Cause all she wants is a boyfriend-she gets one night stands
She's thinking "How did I get here? I'm doing all that I can."
[[Chorus x2]]
***
Sometimes when I look back, I miss the girl that I was when I was 22.
I had just started dying my hair red, I was dating my best friend and playing mother to his kids, living in a house with a bunch of good friends and partying a little every weekend. There were some really fun times back then... All of these friends around all of the time and lots of adventures.
But more than all of the hi-jinx I was involved with, I miss the person I used to be.
When I look back on who I was at 22, "she" feels like a different person.
Sure she was young and dumb, and dated boys she shouldn't.
But she was confident. She was brave.
She looked at the world and said "If you don't like who I am, screw you!"
She wore tank-tops even if her arms were flabby.
She took pictures of herself like a vain person.
She went out with her friends and didn't worry what anyone thought.
She loved so hard, and fought for everything she wanted.
She wasn't embarrassed to be in front of a crowd.
She didn't care if people looked at her, she wanted them to.
...
I feel like an entirely different person now.
I'm ashamed of myself. I close myself off.
I don't want people to look at me.
I can't leave the house without wearing a shaper top.
It's uncomfortable, but some kind of security blanket.
I'm not confident at all anymore, and I'm afraid of EVERYTHING.
And I HATE having my picture taken.
I don't even take them of myself as much anymore.
Being in the down-slope of your twenties with 30 looming sucks.
Especially when you still don't have everything figured out.
And now it matters-where it used to be something you forgot about.
Now here I am looking back at 22 and missing it.
Even though I am not sure I'd ever go back.
I don't want people to look at me.
I can't leave the house without wearing a shaper top.
It's uncomfortable, but some kind of security blanket.
I'm not confident at all anymore, and I'm afraid of EVERYTHING.
And I HATE having my picture taken.
I don't even take them of myself as much anymore.
Being in the down-slope of your twenties with 30 looming sucks.
Especially when you still don't have everything figured out.
And now it matters-where it used to be something you forgot about.
Now here I am looking back at 22 and missing it.
Even though I am not sure I'd ever go back.
What are you listening to?
Don't forget to link up and be entered to win a music prize at the end of the year!
I wonder if maturity somehow shakes that laissez-faire right out of us. I know I used to be WAY more carefree and easy.
ReplyDeleteBut for the record, you're still beautiful.
Oh, my darling, no one has everything figured out. Facing 30 can be terrifying, we are told it is the end of fun and opportunity- but it isn't. It is just a continuation of what we already are and opportunity to use what we've learned by being foolish when we were young. You are different than you were when you were 22, you have grown and learned and loved and experienced and made mistakes and that makes you the richer person, the wiser person. I know that your vivacity and effervescence shine through no matter what...and that who you are now is different than who you will be. Now is just a phase- a season- and maybe the sun isn't as bright right now, but it will be. You have it in you to be anyone - from anytime- you want.
ReplyDeleteI miss being 22 and yet i like where i am if that makes sense
ReplyDeleteI am kinda with you. Pretty much everything you said about yourself now is how i feel about myself :/ Oh to be young and carefree again!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I love me some Lily Allen!
This is one of my fav Lily Allen songs because, like you, I look back on 22 with rosy glasses. But here's the thing....22 is stupid. 22 THINKS she knows everything and is confident, but she hasn't accomplished as much, so she doesn't have as much true knowledge and wisdom. 22 is more empowered only because 22 had less responsibility.
ReplyDelete30? 30 is amazing. 30 says "I'm not as young and thin and energetic as I used to be, but I am rock solid, I know myself, I've survived more than 22 ever did, and I have an eye on my future". 30 knows herself, and that's the strongest thing anyone can have.
I understand your being a bit gunshy, but you've also gone on tons of trips, are putting yourself out there with volunteering, have received praise and recognition by being a rockstar at work, are saving up for your own home, have been through some relationship shit and come out smarter, and know what you want to change. So make the change, and know that NOTHING is standing in your way of being everything you want to be.
*hugs*
I'm right there with you right now...only I'm 22 now. For me, your 22 was my 15. Miss it sometimes!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, except I am 22 now and I would refer to when I was 17/18ish. I am definitely happy to be where I am now, and not who I was then! I wish I had some good advice for how you are feeling, but I'm not sure what to say. Other than you should never be ashamed of yourself, you are an amazing, gorgeous woman!
ReplyDeleteYou should come enter my first ever giveaway: http://walifeandlemons.blogspot.com/2012/08/monday-miscellany-giveaway.html
xoxo
Being one who has crossed the line of thirty, I can clearly say just because you jump that rope doesn't mean your dead or that you should have the world figured out, you probably never will! All I can say is we all have to continually stop trying to look out side ourselves for validation. You don't need me or anyone else to tell you, you are amazing, because you already know it somewhere in your bones. That 22 year old is still there. She is just a little older and a little wiser. So find her again and just let those pieces of her that worked out and get rid of the other. Looking back at ourselves seems a little like you are watching a different person and just like those trashy shows we all love we can look back and see why those shows are complete crap and how they are amazing! So, challenge that fear you have and ask that 22 year old to help you! I am sure she is dying to scream and yell and have fun all over again, so just let her. But know she is not as stupid, just as fun, and knows how to spot the shit before it hits. Ground in Angie and she will open the world up to you! You don't need a damn person in this world because Angie always has your back, but the rest of us add great flavor! :)
ReplyDelete