I do rely on myself for the most part these days... At least financially, physically, externally... Each day I wake up and get myself ready and off for work. I bring home my own paycheck, pay my own bills, feed myself... I have a car and take care of all those adult things on my own.
Yet internally/emotionally I cling to that need for someone else. Sometimes I feel like such a mess in my own head and heart that I feel unable to handle it all alone and catch myself relying on people for stupid stuff. Stuff they don't even know I'm relying on them for. I'm not talking romance or dating; I just mean in general.
For example: A coworker of mine (and friend that I see out of work) and I have been talking about going to the gym together forever. My biggest stipulation has always been the contract, as I really am not going to get screwed over by those businesses anymore (as I was with my prior gym experience.) No big deal, we found a gym right by his house (and semi on my way home) that has no contract and is only $10 a month. We kept putting it off (mostly with his excuses, though sometimes I had my own) and so this week I finally said "We are doing this now!"
His answer this time is that his significant other has decided they are going to join another gym. It didn't matter that he and I had made promises to each other, as apparently all significant others trump your word (which is another bitter rant for another day-ha!) so it didn't matter what our plans were. I told him "Fine, I'll do it myself." and walked away.
Yes, I'm mad. While I am mad at him because our plans and the promises apparently meant nothing; I'm more mad at myself because all along I should have just gone and signed up for the gym on my own! I should have never been relying on him to go with me, especially after he cancelled on my so many times... Just the thought of handling the gym alone is stressful. The thought of changing myself is stressful. So I find myself relying on a friend to motivate me when I should learn to get over my issues and motivate myself. Ugh.
Another example is that it's just about time for the Roommate to find his own place. We've been talking about this for over a year and I have accepted it already. He isn't leaving the country after all, so instead we're going forward with the original plan of getting our own places. I'm looking for homes to buy still, and he's looking for an apartment to rent on his own. Again, I've made my peace with this already. Part of me is really excited to try living on my own in a place I own, where I can paint my own walls and get a dog... I'm kind of looking forward to it in some respects.
Except that now as it's becoming closer to a reality I'm afraid. This is a whole new level of relying on myself. Not only for the financial increase of covering all of the bills and full rent/mortgage, but living alone in general. I'm so used to having a friend to come home and just sit with and talk or watch movies. I know that we will still do those things; it will just be different-and different is scary even if the end results may be good.
I also know that after a couple of months I'll get a little lonely, which will push me to start dating again... Which terrifies me... I haven't dated in about a year, and before that I was not really dating much anyway. I know I will need to eventually; I'm just not looking forward to it.
Well there's my brain dump and rant at myself for relying on people when I should just be relying inward. I need to start relying more on what is inside of me, instead of looking externally for things on the outside to hold on to.