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I do rely on myself for the most part these days... At least financially, physically, externally... Each day I wake up and get myself ready and off for work. I bring home my own paycheck, pay my own bills, feed myself... I have a car and take care of all those adult things on my own.
Yet internally/emotionally I cling to that need for someone else. Sometimes I feel like such a mess in my own head and heart that I feel unable to handle it all alone and catch myself relying on people for stupid stuff. Stuff they don't even know I'm relying on them for. I'm not talking romance or dating; I just mean in general.
For example: A coworker of mine (and friend that I see out of work) and I have been talking about going to the gym together forever. My biggest stipulation has always been the contract, as I really am not going to get screwed over by those businesses anymore (as I was with my prior gym experience.) No big deal, we found a gym right by his house (and semi on my way home) that has no contract and is only $10 a month. We kept putting it off (mostly with his excuses, though sometimes I had my own) and so this week I finally said "We are doing this now!"
His answer this time is that his significant other has decided they are going to join another gym. It didn't matter that he and I had made promises to each other, as apparently all significant others trump your word (which is another bitter rant for another day-ha!) so it didn't matter what our plans were. I told him "Fine, I'll do it myself." and walked away.
Yes, I'm mad. While I am mad at him because our plans and the promises apparently meant nothing; I'm more mad at myself because all along I should have just gone and signed up for the gym on my own! I should have never been relying on him to go with me, especially after he cancelled on my so many times... Just the thought of handling the gym alone is stressful. The thought of changing myself is stressful. So I find myself relying on a friend to motivate me when I should learn to get over my issues and motivate myself. Ugh.
Another example is that it's just about time for the Roommate to find his own place. We've been talking about this for over a year and I have accepted it already. He isn't leaving the country after all, so instead we're going forward with the original plan of getting our own places. I'm looking for homes to buy still, and he's looking for an apartment to rent on his own. Again, I've made my peace with this already. Part of me is really excited to try living on my own in a place I own, where I can paint my own walls and get a dog... I'm kind of looking forward to it in some respects.
Except that now as it's becoming closer to a reality I'm afraid. This is a whole new level of relying on myself. Not only for the financial increase of covering all of the bills and full rent/mortgage, but living alone in general. I'm so used to having a friend to come home and just sit with and talk or watch movies. I know that we will still do those things; it will just be different-and different is scary even if the end results may be good.
I also know that after a couple of months I'll get a little lonely, which will push me to start dating again... Which terrifies me... I haven't dated in about a year, and before that I was not really dating much anyway. I know I will need to eventually; I'm just not looking forward to it.
Well there's my brain dump and rant at myself for relying on people when I should just be relying inward. I need to start relying more on what is inside of me, instead of looking externally for things on the outside to hold on to.
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Sometimes I find myself relying too much on others also. It's kind of hard not to. At least you are willing to work on it! I definitely love that quote at the end. I hope that everything works out for you - that you join a great gym and find a wonderful house :D I definitely suggest getting a dog too.. they are so fun and are great companions!
ReplyDeleteIt's one thing to expect someone to fix all of your problems for you, but it's perfectly okay to want help and support as you work on fixing your problems yourself. Humans are social creatures, after all!
ReplyDeletePersonally, I would never go back to living alone. It was excruciatingly lonely, and all of the people I've met who have been doing it for awhile are REALLY weird. I think that it's much better to find good, sensible people to live with.
i rely on people as well to take me places and such as i don't drive due to medical issue
ReplyDeleteI think people need people. It's human nature. And as part of human nature, and too bad that humans will always let down and disappoint other humans. Sucks, but it's true. As for living alone...I say go for the dream of buying your own home and all that, but why live alone? I would suggest getting a renter (roommate) to help cover your costs and dispel the loneliness. My two cents!:)
ReplyDeleteOk, first off, you don't rely on anyone else- you are totally self-sufficient.
ReplyDeleteWhat you DO, is expect the community you have built around yourself to be reliable on their word. And that is a human drive that we all share. If we did not trust each other, to some degree, we would never form the social and societal bonds that drive the human race. So, that's basic instinct, wanting to trust that people will do what they say. And it's perfectly normal and OK to be upset at people when they change their mind. And its perfectly OK to change your mind, even if it makes other people upset. We all must choose what works best for us, we all weather disappointments and the frustration of broken plans. Ultimately, we all pick up and carry on. If someone consistently breaks plans, and consistently disappoints you, it's time to put some distance between you and that person. If they only do this around one issue, there is likely a deeper force and fear that is driving them to change plans or hesitate or cancel. And it's ALWAYS ok to tell someone "I'm disappointed that you did that", so that they understand why their actions upset you. So long as you are honest with yourself about WHY you're upset, and communicate it rationally to the other person involved, then you are doing just fine.
I tend to rely on my husband more often than I'd like... Just like your example, if we were planning on working out together one night, and he had to cancel, I just wouldn't work out instead of doing it alone. I think my case is just me being lazy though and taking advantage of the "excuse" that he had messed up our plans.
ReplyDeleteI lived alone for a little while in college, and I loved it! I had friends over all the time, or was over at their places, so I never felt lonely... I loved having a place where everything was where I wanted it to be. And I've always enjoyed "me" time, so having a quiet house where I could lay on the couch and read a book in peace without worrying about my roomie being too loud was a plus!
For the most part, I agree with Beth. It is okay to look to your friends for support and motivation, so long as you don't let that become the support become such a crutch that it motivates. Particularly in the vein of healthy living and working out, I sometimes need my friends to kick me in the butt when I won't get moving. However, I hope that I have grown enough to get myself moving when a friend can't be there.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe that we were meant to live our lives completely depending on ourselves...if so, then we wouldn't have any sense of community. The old adage of "man wasn't meant to be an island" is pretty true in my opinion.
And so far as your upcoming move, those fears and hesitation sound completely normal to me. And it's totally okay to be afraid of the changes. That said, I wish I had lived alone for a while at some point before I got married. I think that some time to myself would have bred more independence (though I'm sure my husband would tell you I don't need any more of that) and self-sufficiency...at least in a financial sense.
AND if you ever need an ear to listen, reach out...I'm just a google chat away =)
Change is scary, but it's also a positive step and the next logical one for you. I'm happy for you!
ReplyDeleteI can see why the idea of living alone would be scary. But at the same, it's kind of liberating. Just think about it: You're getting ready for the evening and you realize that the bra you wanted to wear is out with the clean laundry in the living room. You don't have to put a shirt on! You can just go out there and get it, no fuss. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. It's fun!
ReplyDeleteAlso, since you're planning on getting a dog... you'd be surprised how much company animals can be. I know that Katie and I live together, but because she works a flex schedule and I work 8 to 5, we can go for several days without seeing one another at all, and I often spend the latter half of the week alone in the evenings. Some evenings, it's hard (like last Friday). But others, the cats are so much freaking company, I don't even notice that I went to sleep alone and woke up to comatose Katie for three days.
Don't beat yourself up for being afraid of living alone -- human beings are pack animals, after all. Living alone is not something we easily do. But it is possible, and it can be fun.
I'm totally proud of you.