MM: Judas

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This week's song:

Judas

by Kelly Clarkson

The only one who took you in

The only one who held your hand

Defended you against the others

Had your back on everything

Never let you down

You turned around betrayed your only brother

[Chorus]

Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out.

After we'd been through so much how could you let me down?

I didn't know, I didn't know, I couldn't see, I couldn't see

Never thought you'd forget me

Couldn't believe, couldn't believe,how you deceived, you deceived

I never thought you'd do that to me

I will never be like you

I'll never do the things you do

Selfish and lonely-what's your problem?

Letting go of you in this is harder than I thought

But I will not be poisoned by your actions

[Chorus]

Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out.

After we'd been through so much how could you let me down.

Down, you let me down.

***

I feel like I've resolved most of the issues in friendships I've had over the last few weeks.  This not only includes talking to friends and working things out, but also finally seeing something I needed to see to let go of a friendship that was no good for me anymore.

I talked about what happened to end our friendship in my post Somebody I Used to Know back in December, and while I'd made my peace with the ending of our friendship for now, I'd always kind of thought we'd reconcile in a year or two and have a new friendship since there are parts of our lives that still overlap quite a bit.  Also, I miss his kids a lot.

That was until this weekend.  One of my closest friends was having a rough time and attempted suicide on Sunday.  When we heard what he planned to do, we spent the day on the phone with the police, his family, friends, and his roommate trying to get him help and make sure he was okay.  He was found and is hopefully getting the help he needs at the moment.

My problem with this ex came after that.  He said some very hurtful things about this friend that was having a hard time, and tried to convince another mutual friend to abandon him when he needed her most.  When she refused he accused her of being suicidal for not ditching her roommate and friend.

What a horrible thing to do.  I find myself having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that someone I once loved, who I felt had an actual heart at one point in time, could do something so cold and heartless to someone he once called a friend.  Upon hearing of this Judas-like behavior I made up my mind to finally be done with him forever.  I don't need someone who treats people like that in my life.

I was told "He abandons people, so of course he expects other people to do the same thing to the people in his life.  He puts no value on actual friendships."  and it's true.  He manipulates, he jumps to horrendous conclusions, he wont listen to anyone, and he tries to turn people against other people.  He's dead to me.

Now if only I can get over the anger and the heartbreak I feel because of him.  I loved him so much before, and it's difficult to release all of that and trade it in for a world where he doesn't even exist for me-especially where we still have a few mutual friends (the ones that haven't totally disowned him, which a lot of them have done now.) I'm not much for feeling hatred, I used to think I was incapable of hating, but right now? I hate him.

You can mess with me all you want, but the minute you start messing with the people I love, you're out.

What are you listening to and why?