Photo Dump: Halloween 2010

Saturday night was our Halloween Party which we combined with Kristina's birthday party.  It was so much fun!  Here are some pictures.  Share yours and link up with us over at Aint She Crazy's Post-Halloween Costume parade!

BeetleGeuse! BeetleGeuse! BeetleGeuse!

I am sick... 

As in the coughing, sneezing, congested, head-throbbing, fever and chills kind of way.

My favorite night of the year.

I have three days off.

And I can't stand up for more than a few minutes without getting dizzy.

FML.

However, I did manage to make a HUGE pot of homemade chicken noodle soup from scratch today, 2 dozen honey wheat rolls (frozen originally), and a dozen or so homemade chocolate chip cookies from scratch.  So yummy. 

I had to miss a party tonight due to being too sick.

I guess it's a good thing, even if I could be up without getting dizzy, I don't know that I"m up for meeting brand new people when I'm this ill.  I figured I'd stay home and rest, in hopes of getting better in time for the party I've been planning tomorrow.

I hear the party was kind of boring anyway.

That and I didn't feel so bad when I got to carve pumpkins with my two favorite kiddos and then curl up and watch BeetleGeuse.  That was very awesome.

I hope you all have a fun and safe Hallows!

Feel Beautiful

"You can do this for yourself.  If you feel beautiful on the inside, you'll look beautiful on the outside."

-Helen Manchas

***

Also, I'd like to share this blog with you.  Run over and read about Loralee, and all the men she thanks for thinking she was beautiful even when she was heavyset.  This is something I'm having a hard time dealing with, and having a hard time not hating myself for.  A battle I seem to be losing these days.

This post was a glimmer of hope for me:

Thank You, From a Fat Girl

My Work is SO Awesome!

Seriously. 

I love my job.

Also, did I mention that I finally got hired on full time?

That means job security and BENEFITS! I'm official as of last Monday!

This week has been somewhat of a carnival at work.

Support did a potluck yesterday, plus they're doing a pumpkin carving contest, free massages for employees, free caricatures, and food all throughout the week.  It's been so fun!  See my caricatures?

What do you think?

Also, a few of us dressed up! Check it out!

My coworker and I. She was a cute nerd and I was a German Bar Wench.

Full costumes.

Jessica posing.

Two of my fave girlees at work. 

'cept Brittney didn't dress up.

 Dr. House

I'm posing with Daniel, dressed as Dr. House.

I hate this picture, but it's the only one that shows my purse!

 Hagrid and Jeff.

Such a great time, though I still can't wait for the work-week to be over...

So many parties this weekend!

Sunday Citar: No Darker Place

"Sometimes there is no darker place than our thoughts, the moonless midnight of the mind." 

- Dean Koontz

I Was Labeled, but It Gets Better

Oh Mama Kat, you always know exactly which topics to pick to get us writing from the bottom of our souls and pulling from all of those memories we try so hard to repress.  I'm not sure whether I should hate you for it, or love you for forcing me to be a better person.  Forcing me to pour out my innermost pain right here in the blog.  Readers, if you want to link up with Writers Workshop, click HERE.

***

From an early age, I was a vibrant blonde-attention loving child.  I was normal sized at that point in my life.

Somewhere around the age of 8, I ballooned into a much larger-darker haired-less vibrant version of my younger self.  This earned me the label of "the fat kid."  A label I have been carrying with me my entire life.

(I'm on the left in the ugly denim dress.)

I was teased, I was picked on, and none of the boys liked me.  Between 4th and 6th grade, the elementary years, this didn't matter so much.  Kids would pick on me and I would retort with the phrase my dad had taught me to throw back at them.  "I may be fat, but you're ugly and at least I can lose weight!" It got me by.  I was smart, I had a lot of friends who really liked me, and my teachers seemed to adore me when I wasn't tagging along with the bad girls in school.

I was used to being chunkier, and it didn't seem so wrong at that point.  My grandmother's were soft and warm to snuggle into, and my mother was large AND the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my entire life (she still is the most beautiful, by the way) so what was so wrong with being big?  Everyone always told me how pretty my mother was, and if she could be big and pretty, I could too-right?

(Mom's on the left, holding my brother and sister.)

However, as I moved into those dreadful teenage years, it got harder and harder to be who I was.  Kids became more cruel, all mixed up in their own hormones and self-loathing, and the insults became harder to handle.  I spent a good chunk of my teenage years losing myself in my books.  My grades suffered, I chose friends who treated me horribly, and I convinced myself that it was my lot in life to forever be unloved.  How could any boy ever want this?  This chunk of human being all fleshy with mousy brown hair and acne?  

I'll admit it, there were days when I contemplated suicide.  Sometimes I felt like I would never come into my own.  I would always have friends that yo-yo-ed me, never real friends that actually cared.  I would never fall in love, never get married, never have children-all because no one would ever want to be with my lard-ass.  I felt worthless, and I had no hope for anything more for my life so I never tried to be anything more.  I never tried to get good grades, or go to college, or date; I was simply trying to survive.

 After high school things did get much better.  I learned how to dress, how to do my hair and makeup, and how to work with what I had.  Mostly meaning my cleavage, boy do I have some good cleavage.  But even with all of that, those words from high school still stick with you.

I tell myself I'm better off, tell myself it doesn't matter what people think, but as my roommate said the other day "We tell ourselves 'sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me' but it isn't true.  Words hurt, they hurt a lot."  

Not only do they hurt, but they work their way into your brain like little burrowing worms; planting themselves there with no way for you to extract them without a full on lobotomy.  There are days, even now-over ten or more years later, that I still think to myself "Fatty fatty, two-by-four, can't fit through the kitchen door."  There are times when I look in the mirror and taunt myself, that hurtful little rhyme running on loop in the back of my mind.  Those teenage years are permanently branded in my brain, and now and again I still feel that old burning pain-all hot and tender and stinging as if that the iron, pulled straight from the fire, was once again pressed tight against the mark left by those difficult years.

***

I'm going to end this with something I feel is very important.  So many teens are bullied these days, during the hardest years of their lives for things they cannot change.  It is becoming an epidemic in our country; all of these suicides we've been having lately.  It's tragic.

I just pledged to help support the IT GETS BETTER project, because it does.  Even though the old familiar sting of those words still creep up now and again, and we should put a stop to the bullying and teasing-I am so much better off where I am today than I was back then.  I have people in my life that keep me going, that love me, and who I love more than I can possibly say.  It. Gets. Better.

Let's help kids realize that even if they're being bullied, it isn't a reason to stop living; and let's help put a stop to the bullying by teaching our children to love and accept people.

Will you stand with me?

www.itgetsbetterproject.com

I'm Going to Miss the Bitch

I just got some seriously sad news.

One of my favorite bloggers is retiring from blogging.

One Crazy Brunette Chick announced today that she will be moving on.

She was always such a great read.  Hilarious, opinionnated, foul-mouthed. 

It's like you know you're family when she's calling you whore, just like at home with the roommate.  You know you're in when they feel comfortable calling you slut and skank.  

(It's really not as dysfunctional or abusive as it sounds, I promise! :P)

She was always the first one to tell it to you straight, and always left great comments with encouragements, as well as called you on your bullshit.  She will be missed! 

If you never read CB, run along and check out the blog while it's still here.

If you did know here, link up your favorite memories of her for Wicked Wednesday.

I Feel Impractical

“Solitude is impractical and yet society is fatal.” 

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Breath Me

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me

Wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breath me

Ouch, I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah, I think that I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend.

Hold me.

Wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breath me

(repeat)

Breath Me - Sia

I'm really feeling this song lately, and it's currently on loop in my ear while I type away at this post.  I've loved this song since I first heard it on the series finale of Six Feet Under, it was a really emotional ending and the song kind of stuck with me.  However, I haven't really listened to Sia for a while, and just got a few of her albums.  I'm reconnecting with this song, and after carefully reading the lyrics, I'm not so sure whether it's good or not.

It's beautiful, the whole song is beautiful... But in that "sorrow is beautiful" way I'm oh-so-familiar with.  I've been so numb for the past while, and listening to this song-I feel something again.  That longing, that ache.  I guess especially after Saturday night where I spent time with people that I love more than life itself. 

There was a moment where I was in on laying on the bed with the roommate and one of our newer friends.  We were all drunk, and mostly goofing off, but it felt really comfortable and warm.  Like family.  Suddenly I feel as if I'm overflowing with emotion, and it seems to be all the emotion I've had tucked away and hidden from myself after the last little while.

These are my people.  So often I feel so broken, so alone, and so afraid of ever standing up and trying again.  It's hard not to feel that way with so many past failures.  So many times where trust has been given, and taken, and then shattered in ways more painful than can be described.  I've given up trying.  Throwing myself into my work, into spending time at home with the roommate, into thinking up new projects, and into hosting parties filled with as many people take the pain away as I can.  

These are my people.  They truly take the pain away.  They wrap me up, they unfold me, they keep me warm and safe and feeling loved.  In turn, I breath them.  I feel them.  I hurt for them and I love them with more love than I ever thought was possible to carry.  I am so grateful to be surrounded by so many vibrant and beautiful people who can push me to be a better person, and love me in spite of all of my flaws and failures.  They can make me feel beautiful when I'm berating myself with negativity, make me feel smart when I feel like all I do is make dumb decisions, call me on my shit when I fail to see it, and hold me up when my heart is to heavy to for me to support.  

I hope you all know, just how much I love you, and how grateful I am that you're part of my life.  Without you guys, I would be a lesser person-an empty shell.  You are beautiful, and you make my life worth living.

Sunday Citar: Regrets

"Maybe all we can do is hope we end up with the right regrets."

-Arthur Miller

FCKH8

I love this video, it's totally blunt and you all know I like blunt. So in the spirit of CB's blog stalk friday-all mouthy and opinionated.  The little kid saying fuck?  Faboo.  Totally fucking faboo!   Love it or suck purple monkey balls.
I also want one of each of these shirts, they're fantastic! Learn more or get a T-shirt at www.fckh8.com  
I love CB, she has the mouth of a sailor and a heart of gold. 
If you link up over there for BSF, tell her I sent you!

Announcement

Ladies and gentleman, friends of all ages, I have an announcement to make...

After months of avoiding this...

After hours of trying to make it work properly...

After various status messages complaining about it...

Finally...

I have my own domain up and running on this blog! 

(Look in your address bar, pretty isn't it?)

www.mysocalledchaos.com

What do you all think?

Please update your records accordingly!

(Though I think the old address will still redirect you here)

Fish kisses to you all! 

Muaaah!

David's Surprise Party

This year we decided to throw my dear friend David a surprise party for his 28th birthday. Here is evidence and blackmail photos.

We decided to do the party pink.  

See the napkins, tablecloth and part of the cake above.

In honor of the birthday boy, princess balloons!

My cake! (before I fancied up the display)

The cake with the candle Bridgette brought.

Mmmm... Multi-flavored Candy Corn.

The table set up. Cake, booze, plates, and presents!

Waiting for David to Arrive.

L-R: Straight David, Eli, My Roommate, Megan & Jon

Waiting for David. (the deaf crowd)

L-R: Skylar, Bridgette, Scott & Kasey

Jon wearing his "YBU" shirt.  Awesome.

The beautiful Kristina.

Kasey, my evil surprise party cohort. :)

The birthday boy! 

I made him wear a tiara and boa for his birthday!

He's drinking his birthday Cosmo, out of his birthday straw!

The cake after it was cut.

The birthday boy and ME!

David doing his "half-O-face" while we love on him.

The gorgeous Ashley with both David's.

She told me my cake was something to brag about. :P

David and our old manager Sheena.

It's a Kristina sandwich between Josh B and Travis.

Josh B and David.  Boa love.

David, Skylar, Bridgett and Scott. 

Skylar and Bridgett are both models, and a couple. Too adorable.

Me with the new Josh.

He's adorable, we want to keep him.

This is my roommate's cousin TJ and his girlfriend Mary.

They were so nice!

All and all I'd say it was a really successful party, in fact, the best party we've had in a very long time!  I got to meet new people, a couple of friends may have found love (well they found lust, we'll see about the love part) and everyone had a really good time.  Not to forget, I think the birthday boy was really touched by the whole thing! It was great!