30 Letters: Day 28: Dear You Who Changed Me

A letter to someone who changed me.
(Skipping Day 27, due to being behind anyway and I can't think who the friendliest person is)

Dear Everyone I've Ever Met,

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known."  - Chuck Palahniuk

 Isn't that the damn truth?  You've all made me, well, me. Mom and Dad, their parents, their parent's parents, all made me genetically me.  My siblings, immediate family, extended family and childhood friends all helped shape my childhood.  Even the pervy kid who violated me at 6 helped make me who I am today, it's hard not to let something like that change you.  We're not dwelling on that, I'm just saying-these things change you.


Even today, every new friend, every new relationship is helping to shape and change me.  Sometimes it's for the better, because someone comes along and introduces me to something new, enhances me and teaches me something I didn't know before.  Though sometimes it's for the worse; someone comes along and breaks me down or helps influence negative things in my life.


Let's talk my most memorable friends (good and bad):  I met Cristina when I was 7 years old.  She is the oldest friend who has continued to affect me in my life.  Through her I learned to love learning languages, to value school and hard work, to be dedicated to things, that you didn't have to be Mormon to be a good person, and that you can love your friends like siblings.   

In Junior High there was Nicole, who was always dragging me behind her like a yo-yo.  One moment we were the best of friends, with sleepovers, and birthday parties; the next she was dumping me for someone else.  It was a vicious cycle that helped turn me into a doormat for most of my teenage years.  I proceeded to be that same puppy dog with MelanieGrace, though she never yo-yo-ed me.  She taught me to finally stand on my own two feet and live for myself.  Together we found spirituality, independence, boys, nature, love and so much more.  I also learned from Melanie that you can't always live with your friends, it nearly destroyed us. It certainly altered our friendship forever.  

Amber, Paul, those who freaked out because I"m outspoken and they can't handle being told the truth-well they just taught me to be myself, and that I don't need fake friends.  Jon taught me that even if I go to far with my teasing, a real friend will work it out with you and forgive you when you make a real apology and effort to be their friend back.  Those are the kind of friends that I want.  Heather taught me to embrace my inner bitch, and to stop letting everyone trample all over me.  She re-enforced the fact that friends shouldn't expect you to be different for them.


Kristina taught me to be me as well, in a more positive way.  Every day she encourages me to live as myself, to love myself more, and to except nothing less than what I deserve from those that I date. (I sure wish I'd listen to her more.) She taught me to love researching interesting histories on wikipedia, and how real friends don't always have to entertain each other; some days, you can all just be in the same room watching a movie and playing on your own computers. Max and Garrett taught me that you can keep friends from previous relationships, especially if you really want them.  David taught me that coworkers can be the best of friends, and Kasey taught me more about being great friends with people who are different than you. Josh continues to teach me so much every day, about life and friendship, about traveling and language, love, heartbreak, and infinitely more...


How about Relationships?  DF taught me how to fall in love, how to be completely different from someone else, and how to handle heartbreak for the first time.  He also taught me that I shouldn't be giving second chances.  If people care enough, they will make the first chance work...  Gary taught me that not everyone is good at heart.  As much as I try to believe it, some people are just terrible people who want to hurt you in any way possible.  He stalked me for years. John taught me to accept my own submissive tendencies, and C taught me that dating a married man can emotionally scar you, even if you don't know the wife.

Matthew taught me about higher spirituality, loving children even more, and that you can still be best friends with someone when you break up with them. Providing you are both willing to make the effort.


[Womanizer] taught me that you shouldn't always trust someone, and that if he stands you up 8 out of 10 times, he's a douchebag.  Good excuse or not, he's a douchebag, and he's probably dating several other women.  That second or third job bullshit is just an excuse.  If he really wanted to see you, he would make time for it.  He taught me not to deal with that bullshit.  Tom taught me that drugged-up stoners are probably as moronic as they seem.

You see, I am who I am today because of every single person I've ever interacted with.  Every issue I have has been furthered or started by someone I've met, every ounce of love I have in side me was planted by those around me that love me and I love back.  

I love you all.
Me

Do you feel like a combined effort? Discuss!

30 Letters: Day 26: Dear Pinky Promise

A letter to the last person I pinky promised.

Dear K,

I love you to pieces, and you are such a smart  and talented little girl.  It was so nice to spend the day with you the other day.  

I love you kiddo!

-You're honorary auntie. 

Who did you last Pinky-Promise? 

30 Letters: Day 25: Dear Struggling

A letter to someone who is struggling.

Dear Roommate,

I wish you could see what we all see, without all of your own personal bias and misinformation.   You are an amazing person who has touched so many of our lives.  I think there are even a few of your friends who wouldn't be here anymore if it weren't for you.  I wish you could look past the few people in your life who have mistreated you, and pay attention to those of us who love and adore you.  Not to forget all of us who have at one time or another fallen in love with you.  

It may not always be visible to you, but you are so blessed!  You have good health, a roof over your head, good looks (shut up, you fucking do.), so much intelligence, many friends who wouldn't want to live without you, and so much more...  Yes, life is hard, and you've had a lot of hardships when it comes to dating and love.  Also yes, it's much harder on you than a lot of us in that department, there's some limitations to your preferences, but that's no reason to think any less of yourself.  You take what you're given and you either work with it or give up.  I'd hate to see you give up; I want to see you happy.

Keep your chin up love, there are so many great things you're going to miss if you don't put yourself out there again.  Don't let the fear hold you back.  Use the past hurts and pains to help teach you which risks are worth it, and which or not.  Let it teach you not to fall into old patterns, but to make new paths and forge ahead.  You can do it; I have faith in you. 

I love you always,

Me.

We all love you, and always will.

Do you know anyone struggling?

30 Letters: Day 24: Dear Memory Giver

A letter to someone who gave me my favorite memory.

Dear San Francisco,

 I know you aren't a person, but you have given me some of my favorite memories.  All I have to do is close my eyes and I'm back walking up and down Castro street, or getting Clam Chowder down by the sea... Such a beautiful city, and I love you so!

Can't wait to come visit again! 

Thank You

30 Letters: Day 23: Dear Last Kissed

A letter to the last person I kissed...
(Wow, this is gunna be fun. :P)

Dear Last Kissed,

You know who you are, but I don't think you read my blog.  I'll write this anyway.  

You are absolutely adorable, a little strange, but adorable none the less.  I really have enjoyed both times we've hung out.  You're charismatic, polite, and not hard on the eyes either.  You are great to cuddle with and you are a fantastic kisser.  I had a lot of fun.

However, now you've stopped messaging me as much, and I'm starting to expect you to do the disappearing act.  Are you expecting me to be all "Oooh, we've hung out twice now, so I want a relationship!"?  Is that why you've gone AWOL and won't come hang out?  Or is it truly that your phone isn't working properly right now?  I'm sorry if that's the case; I've just dated too many jerks who have made that excuse seem like complete bullshit.  

Don't worry, I'm not pining for you.  I wouldn't be adverse to a relationship, as we get along, you're cute and that's what I'm hoping for with someone in the long run.  However, I'm cool with just dating or hanging out for now, so stop stressing about it (if you are).  We have a good time, come play again and don't be a pussy.  :P 

Sincerely,

Me

P.S.  I really would like to be kissed again... Just sayin'...

When was the last time you were kissed?  Who was it? 

30 Letters: Day 22: Dear Lucky Recipient of a Second Chance

A Letter to someone who received a second chance.

Dear DF,

You were the first person I ever gave a second chance to, and I swore you'd be the last.  Unfortunately to me I never stuck with that rule, but I should have.  Everyone I gave a second chance after that only repeated the same steps, as you had before, and as I should have remembered when debating whether they got a second chance or not. 

You were so lucky to get a second chance, and yet you still screwed it up.  I was young and naive at the time, only 19 or 20... It was a tough lesson to learn with the first person you ever loved.  At least I can say when you asked for a third chance I was smart enough to not go there, I would have hated myself even more should I have allowed it.

I don't hate you for it, I'm not even mad any more, just thinking back on choices and mistakes and re-teaching myself not to make the same ones over and over again.  If I can get to the root of the problem, maybe I can weed it out and stop it from ever growing again.  

I really do hope your life goes well and you get everything working for you.  It's a little sad that we can't be friends now, not because of animosity (you are my friend on Facebook, just not in real life) but because I can't handle the drama.  I can't hear your suicide attempts anymore. I can't handle it when you say "I wish I'd never let you go" because I am so completely grateful you did.

Peace and blessings old friend.

Have you ever given anyone a second chance?

30 Letters: Day 21: Dear Judged

A letter to someone I judged at first.

Dear The Fourth,

Who actually hits on someone at a party that is with someone else?  Not just with, but actively sitting there on the couch cuddling with them? Every time he got up to go to the restroom you were there hitting on me.  I was a bit shocked, I have to admit.  

The second party we were at I was alone though, and again, you hit on me pretty hard.  It's very flattering, don't get me wrong, but you're a little intense and to be honest, it kind of freaks me out.  I tried my hand at flirting back, but got scared and ducked out of it.  I hope that doesn't give you the wrong idea, I haven't ruled out the idea entirely... I'm toying it with it, as I'm single and you seem interested.  You're attractive, but the jury is still out on whether you're a nice guy or a weird-o.  The roommate seems to think you're alright, as does your neighbor (my buddy) so maybe...

The roommate thinks I should give it a shot because the intensity would challenge me. I'm always the intense one, so it's scary for me. :P 

Who knows, maybe next party I'll manage to flirt back?

We'll see.

Have you judged someone at first meeting? Share with a letter!

30 Letters: Day 20: Dear You Who Smashed My Heart

A letter to someone who smashed my heart.
(Sorry I skipped the mind pestering letter, I couldn't think of anyone!)

Dear Self,

How could you do that?  How could you let yourself be treated the way you continually allow yourself to be treated?  You've completely smashed your own heart.  How?  Well, you keep putting yourself in these positions that you know will destroy you.  

You know that there are certain types of guys that if you date them, they're not going to be what you want them to be.  How many times have you had an open relationship or tried polyamory because you fell for a guy who showed right from the get-go he wouldn't be willing to actually commit? Deep down you knew all along that you weren't capable of such relationships, and yet you went into them because you allowed yourself to ignore all the warning signs.  You should know them well enough by now, and yet you keep putting yourself through it.

Why do you keep dating guys that seem to only want sex?  Better yet, why do you keep giving it up so easily?  You tell yourself every time that you're not going to, that you're going to wait for something real before you get intimate... Yet ever time you fall into your same old habits and end up being easy.  Doesn't it make you feel like a slut?  This giving it all up for nothing?  You know that when you do, you get attached and get hurt-same story, different day.  So why do you keep repeating your history?  Why haven't you done something to change it by now?  STOP DATING ASSHOLES! STOP BEING BLINDED BY LUST-BETTER YET, STOP THINKING WITH YOUR VAGINA ND START THINKING WITH YOU'RE DAMN MIND.  Goodness.

I still love you, and I love you enough now to put a stop to this.  Never again.

Love, me.

Got something to say?  SPEAK UP!

30 Letters: Day 18: Dear Ideal Me

We♥It

A letter to the ideal me.

Dear Ideal Me,

I wish I could meet you... Hell, I wish I could be you!  You are so smart, with your fancy degree and years of college behind you.  You're getting your novels published and living your dreams with every breath you take.  I admire that.  A lot of people admire you, and respect what you've accomplished.

You also have the perfect relationship.  You're healthy and happy on your own, and so is your partner; so that makes the relationship that much stronger.  It's so nice that you're finally dating someone with their stuff together rather than  the all those guys with major issues you dated in your past.  You guys are so happy together.

Also, great job on getting in shape!  Dropping that hundred or so pounds and keeping them off by going to the gym and eating healthy really did the trick.  I mean, you were pretty before, but now you're a total knockout! Does it feel better?  Do you feel more in charge of your body and your situation?  I hope so.

One day I will be you.  One day.

Sincerely,

The less-than-ideal you. 

Want to write a letter?  Come play!

30 Letters: Day 17: Dear Childhood Friend

A letter to a childhood friend...

Dear Valor,

I chose to write to you today, because you and I used to always write each other letters.  I'm pretty sure I have them all saved in a folder somewhere too, I should dig them up and re-read them for old times sake.  You're also one of the very few childhood friends I've reconnected with on Facebook.  It's so fun to see where your life has taken you and who you've become! 

All of our communication has shown me that even today, you are still someone I would be (and am) happy to call a friend.  You're smart, ambitious, sweet, and generally you seem to have great energy!  I hope we can make time to meet up and hang out someday, catch up and be friends again in real life instead of just online.  Goodness, you only live a few blocks away...

Also, you are an AMAZING photographer.  If I ever get married, I'm definitely calling you... I love your work! 

Lots of Love,

Your childhood friend. 

Check out some of Valor's photo's here! 

Want to write a letter?  Join the fun! 

30 Letters: Day 16: Dear You Who Lives Far From Me

A letter to someone who lives far away from me.

Dear Cousin and Family,

 Do you know how badly I miss you? I loved when I got to stay with you and be the nanny, it was a few great months and I just wish it hadn't been tainted by boys both times.  If it had been at a time in my life where I didn't miss one so, I could have stayed longer and just enjoyed myself instead of pining and wanting to get home to someone who was never worth it.  They weren't, and I miss you guys sooooo much! 

How's the weather in So Cal?  I'm sure it's brilliantly amazing and that your making trips to the beach.  I miss the beach so much!   I need to come visit and see the new house and then we can go to the beach.

I miss trips into China Town, and around different places.  I miss learning about new foods and new wines with you, and that almond champagne that is amazing.  

You guys changed my life more than you will ever know, and I am so grateful!

I hope to come see you soon!

Want to participate?  Write a letter!

30 Letters: Day 15: Dear Most Missed

A letter to someone I miss.

Dear Tonya.

We used to be so very close, back when the two of us were working at Sparetime together.  Sure we had our disagreements now and again, mostly due to us both being fire signs and dominant women, but we always got along great.  Your son was even referred to as my nephew, and you were like a sister to me.

Then the military did what it does best and sent you far away.  We used to talk on the phone all the time, now I haven't spoken to you in months.  That's really sad.  I know, I'm terrible and I need to call you and see how you are.  I know you hate it there.

I wish you'd come back, and we could start hanging out again.  We could go bowling, or dancing, or drinking-just like old times.

I miss you dearly, and I hope I get to speak to you or see you soon.

Love, me. 

Missing someone?  Let them know!

30 Letters: Day 14: Dear Drifted Away

A letter to someone who I've drifted away from.

Dear Grace,

It's funny to me, how we used to be so close and now we both live in such entirely different worlds.  We've been through a lot together, and survived it all; however our friendship took quite a few hits.  

Starting back in High School, when we had the rule of the theatre and we were in our element.  Our little group of friends, our freedom to do as we wished, it was a great time to be young and alive.  Sometimes I think back and miss those days when we'd meet on a Saturday and work on shows together, or skip the school assembly and walk up to Buns and Brews. 

Then came college, and I followed you up from our little farm town to Ogden.  We lived just around the corner from each other, so we could quite often just walk over and hang out.   We grew into our own spirituality, celebrated festivals and holidays with Cat and her group... Every time I catch a whiff of fall or see a pumpkin I think of you.

Living together turned out to be the biggest hit.  No matter how much you love someone, it doesn't mean you can always live well with them; we certainly didn't.  I'll admit, we had some good times together, but we also fought more then than we ever did in our entire friendship.  I'm cluttered, your tidy; our work schedules were so vastly different and so were our ideas of work and productivity.  Not to say either of us were wrong, just different.  At that point we sped off in different directions and didn't even speak to each other for 3 months.  

I'm so glad that over the last few months we've started reconnecting and keeping in better touch.  Each of us making an effort to see each other when you're in town, or the one time I visited San Francisco. However, no matter how much we try, I don't think we'll ever be as close as we once were. 

I love you dearly, and I hope life brings you everything you've ever wanted.

Need to reconnect?  Speak it! 

30 Letters: Day 13: Dear Forgiveness

We♥It

 A letter to someone I wish would forgive me.

I was thinking about who I would write this to, but the only people who I feel our friendships are damaged irreparably, I don't want forgiveness from.  I don't want them in my life anymore.  

The person who really needs to forgive me, is me.

 Dear Body,

I'm so sorry for not getting up off my ass to take you to the gym every day.  I'm sorry that ever workout program I start I fail at, and that you have to remain the way you do.  I'm sorry that I stuff you into extra large sized clothes, and don't treat you like the beautiful thing you could be.  I've been so neglectful of you, and this will change.

Dear Mind,

I'm sorry I forget about you sometimes.  Can you ever forgive me for not making the most of you I possibly can?  For not taking you to college and getting you involved in deep thinking and studies that will enrich and enlighten you?  I'm sorry that I don't feed you with novels and books as often as I used to, and I'm sorry that you're completely starving for them.  I understand that force-feeding you tv and movies and music, while being a great release, is like feeding my body processed food and it's not that wonderfully sustaining.  

Dear Soul,

I heard a quote the other day that said "The pains of the flesh are nothing compared to the pains of the soul" and it is so incredibly true.  I'm sorry you feel so disconnected from everything.  I will work harder to do more spiritually rich things for you.

Dear Heart,

I'm sorry for everything I've ever put you through.  It is you most of all I hope will heal one day.  I pray to God that you heal, and that this hardening you've been feeling isn't permanent.  I want to open up and love again... Desperately.  Please, please forgive me. 

Feel the need for forgiveness?  Share it!

30 Letters: Day 12: Dear Most Hated

A letter to someone I hate.

Dear Pothead,

You're a total douchebag and I am glad you moved to Arizona so I never have to see your face or the piece of crap car you drive ever again.  

Also, quit trying to have sex with your mother-which is basically how your mommy issues make you look.  We all know that your mother is a schitzo and that you always say how bad she was when you were a kid, so that's why you keep trying to date 55-60 year old women.  We get it.  But you're a douche none-the-less.

Also, a moron.  Who dates 3 people in the same office and expects them never to find out about it?  Or expects them to be ok with it once they do?  Ew.  You're gross.  So so so gross.

Peace out, sucker.

Got something to say?  Spill it!

 

30 Letters: Day 11: Dear Deceased

A letter to someone who is deceased.

Dear Great Grandma and Grandpa L,

You've been gone for a while now, and you are still missed. A few weeks ago Grandma D had to clean out your house so that Uncle S and Aunt C can rent it out now, and I know that was a very hard day for her.  She gave me a box of your kitchen stuff to go through, and while digging through the pile of plates an silverware, I came a cross a cup.

Small and green, just the perfect size for a kid.  One of the very cups we would have used when we came up the stairs from our basement apartment to get a drink of water from grandma's fridge.  I couldn't help but raise it to my face to smell it, because it still smelled like that old familiar plastic and your dish soap.

I miss the old house.  Our little basement apartment, great grandma and grandpa living upstairs, candy drawers, closets full of old toys, the grape vines and the pool... I miss it all so much it hurts to think about it sometimes.

I dreamt about that house the other day, the one we shared that was build by your own hands.  In my dream Mom and Dad bought it again, and I moved in downstairs to the apartment.  I was so excited to be back, and so excited to be able to get a dog.  Such a silly little dream, but when I woke up I was reminded just how much I ache for that part of my youth.  For all those summer days in our swimsuits, running through the grass and stopping to pick a handful of grapes or come inside for a Popsicle from the big freezer.

Wet feet on the cool green-tile floor, then on soft brown carpet... Grandpa in his recliner with the TV turned up. Grandma in the kitchen making pots of chocolate pudding or rice crispy treats... That's home to me. 

I love and miss you, and I hope that Heaven is everything you wanted it to be.

-Your great granddaughter. 

5 Generations: Left to right: 

Back: Grandma D, brother Cole, Me, Daddy, Mom, Great Grandpa L

Front: Great Great Grandma P, Great Grandma L, Great Great Grandpa P

 

Someone up there you want to talk to? Do!

(Leave me a link if you participated and aren't listed in my "Current Projects" link above!)

30 Letters: Day 10: Dear Missed Friend

A Letter to A Friend I Miss

Dear Cristina,

I don't know how we let the time get away from us like we do, but we manage to go years without seeing each other even though we live in pretty close proximity.  You are my oldest friend, ever since the day when you moved in next to my grandmother.  You were 9, I was 7, and we connected and built this amazing friendship that has stood all of the strains of growing up and living our own individual life.  We've never had an argument or a fight, and we've always been there for each other when needed.  We're family, and growing up you were as close to me (or closer) than my own siblings.

However as we grow older, and move about in our own little worlds filled with grown-up responsibilities and different people or activities demanding our time, we let the time get longer and longer.  While I've always admired our ability to go a year without seeing each other or talking and then pick up where we left off, I'm starting to worry about how long we let it stretch.  It's kind of sad really... 

Not to mention I know you live less than a mile from me now, so why haven't we seen each other in over a year?  I can't believe my own lack of effort in the matter, and I am very very sorry for that.  I really miss you, and I want to get close to you.  You've been my best friend for as long as I can remember and I don't even know who you're dating now, if you're still working at the same place, or what your new apartment/house looks like.  I feel like such a terrible friend.

Can we get together soon please?  This has gone on far too long, and we have to promise each other we wont let it happen again.

I love you so much more than you possibly know!

Love, me.

 

Do you miss someone?  Reach out to them in a letter!

(If you wrote a letter to someone today, please leave me a link so I can read it!)

 

30 Letters: Day 9: Dear Someone I'd Like to Meet

A Letter to someone I'd like to meet.

Dear Eric Himan,

You are my absolute favorite musician EVER!  Not only do I love your music and your talent, but I love how down to earth and personable you are.  You always have a kind word to say, and nearly always respond when your fans contact you or leave you Facebook Comments.  You are amazing, and you inspire me!

I really want you to come play in Utah, so all of my friends and I can come see you.  My roommate and I have been dying for ages to see you play live, but you never quite come close enough for us to make it.  We're keeping our fingers crossed!


Thanks for all the wonderful music, and for being such a great person to keep in contact with!


Can't wait for the new album that's coming soon!

-A huge fan!

Wanna write a letter?  DO IT! 

 (If you're participating, leave me a link in a comment so I can go read!)

30 Letters: Day 8: Dear Favorite Internet Friend

A Letter to my Favorite Internet Friend

Dear Beth,

It was really hard to pick a favorite internet friend, but I decided on you since we've been internet friends for about 6 years now.  This dates back to the DeadJournal days, back when I first met you through my first boyfriend who'd been friends with you online for years. The friendship that lasted through Myspace, and now is also on Facebook and through blogger/LiveJournal.  

You were such a great friend, and an even greater support through that whole relationship and breakup.  I have also been grateful for your insight and words of wisdom in every comment you've ever left and every conversation we've ever had.

You are such an inspiration to me, and I love you to pieces!

Keep your chin up, you're amazing and amazing things are coming your way!

-Me

Something Kind to Say?  Share it!

30 Letters: Day 7: Dear Ex

A letter to an Ex.

Dear [Womanizer],

Boy you made a mess of things, didn't you?  You were the longest mistake I've ever made.  Standing me up 8 out of 10 times was a pretty dick-ish thing to do.  I can't believe you were the one I thought had it all together, and I let you make me feel guilty because I couldn't decide whether or not to commit to you.  NO WONDER I couldn't decide, it was my subconscious screaming at me saying "That asshole is dating other women behind your back AND he stands you up all the time-You really wanna deal with that bullshit?"

Yeah, even when I don't always think clearly, it's nice to know that my subconscious could see you for what you really were.  I complete asshat. 

It's a hilarious story actually... Seeing as I finally grew the balls to tell you "No, I'm not going to meet you for sushi because I am completely tired of your bullshit.  Please move along now, never going to happen again." and then posted about it in my blog only to have comments left saying "Hey I was dating him at the same time as you!" and "This is his ex-wife and we were working on our relationship that whole time too!" You were really playing the field, weren't you?  Toying with all our hearts, telling us you wanted something real and lasting with each of us and then completely taking our trust and using it to be the worlds biggest jack-ass. 

I'm over it, I really am.  This is a great exercise in creative writing, and I love putting it all down on paper in a public forum where you have ever opportunity to see it.  In fact, I'm pretty sure the link shows up on your Yahoo friend connect page (I hid you so I wouldn't have to see your stupid updates, couldn't figure out how to disconnect so you couldn't see mine-oh well!) but I know you are much too self-centered to worry about it.  I really do wish you could read it though, because most of all I feel sorry for you.

It's really kind of sad and pathetic... I think part of you desperately wants a real relationship, but for some reason you get in the way of yourself and screw it all up.  You hurt people as you desperately try to hurt yourself.  Also, I hear you're drinking yourself silly now, is the self-torture only going to get worse and worse?  I think you should double your shrink appointments, and maybe you should actually be honest with him so he can help you figure your shit out.  You're a total mess. I know part of that is because of the military, and part of you is still stuck at 17 because you were so young when you joined... You are acting like an immature teenager and a lot of it can be chalked up to that.  However, I know plenty of people that have gotten out of the military, and even though they still deal with PTSD and other stuff, they are mature, responsible individuals.  Grow the hell up.

I hope you figure it out before you completely screw up your life forever.

Peace out.

P.S. I was recently linked to your www.benaughty.com profile, and whoo-wee was that some funny stuff to read! Expecially when you say you "work hard both in and out of the bedroom."  Pretty much you work hard to end up in the bedroom with as many people as possible.  Ha! 

Wanna get it off your chest?  Join the fun!

30 Letters: Day 6: A Stranger

A letter to a stranger.

Dear People Contacting me on Dating Sites,

Thanks for the email, really.  While I'm pretty-much avoiding all contact with anyone on those sites (I should really disable my profiles for the time being) it's always flattering to receive an email.  Not to mention the research I'm doing for a project I plan to work on eventually involving emails on dating sites.  Keep them coming, especially the really terrible ones!

However, I am going to judge you on how you handle contact with me.  Here's my standards.

1. Make me laugh and you get bonus points.
           A: You have to be funny, really funny.
           B: If I'm laughing AT you instead of your joke-probably not going
           to happen.
                       a: Unless you're really charming.
2. If you email me, and don't hear back from me.
           A: DO NOT email me again to say "Why haven't you written back?"
                       a: This will turn me off of you COMPLETELY.  Too demanding.
           B: DO NOT email me again to say "You viewed my profile, must not
           like what you see."
                       a: This sounds pathetic, girls like a guy with confidence, not
                      one begging for attention saying "Why don't you like meeeeee?"
                       b: You sound needy, I don't want a needy guy. End of story.
3. Don't insult me.  I know you've seen the movies where they say "insult her and
she'll be all over you like white on rice."
            A: I'm not one of those girls. All I'll think is "Go fuck yourself!" and block you
4. If your profile sounds needy and whiny, or you complain a lot, I'll probably not be responding.
5. If you bash on yourself during correspondence with me, I will be turned off of you.
            A: Don't say "I haven't heard from you in a while, I must have convinced
            you that I'm not interesting."
                         a: If you hadn't before, you just did. That's annoying.
                         b: It goes back to the "I don't want a needy guy." thing.

So in the long run, I don't want to date an asshole, that's not what I'm aiming for.  However, I don't want to date a guy that constantly has to be reassured that I'm interested or that they're worthy,etc. blah blah blah.  I don't know many people who do!

Respectfully,
Uninterested.

Wanna play along?  Check out the Curriculum!

30 Letters: Day 5: Dear Dreams

Dear Dreams,

I've lost you somewhere, and I'm not sure how to get you back... You're down there somewhere, on the other side of this dark forest I'm wandering through, but I can't find the path that leads to you.  So many paths here, some that lead out and some keep leading back to each other.  How is it that I keep getting caught in this loop and making circles around the same tree?

Send me a guide, will you?  Also, if that guide could bring a flashlight and maybe a map, that would be great.

Thanks!

-Me 

30 Letters: Day 4: Dear Siblings

Today, letters to my siblings.

Dear Cole,

There's a line from the song "Sister Blister" by Alanis that always makes me think of you. "You and me, we're cut from the same cloth, it seems to some we famously get along. But you and me are strangers to each other, 'cause you and me: competitive to the bone."  

It may not be that we're in competition with each other, but some days it feels like we don't even know each other, and that makes me incredibly sad.  We used to be very close as children, even when we ganged up on Shayla together, or when we would play king of the hill with Caleb, or even that time you threw horse poo at me and so we got in a fist fight out in the pasture.  We used to play baseball (until I got tired of the line drives to my face, you always did hit well!) and we used to do all sorts of things.  

Now, we barely speak.  We barely acknowledge each other.  When I visited to see your new house the other day, I think you said 10 words to me.  I guess it's better sometimes, since we seem to disagree over everything, and you seem to loathe everything about my life.  So very sad.

I miss being close to you brother, and I still love you.

-Your sister.

Dear Arianne,

I cannot begin to express how big of a catch you really are! I think Cole was so lucky everything worked out between you two, and I think that we are all just as lucky to have you in our family.  You are the sweetest, most amiable person I have ever met in my entire life, and I am glad you're part of my family.  I can't wait until you two start having babies and I get to be an auntie to them.  I love you dearly! 

Also, that purse you sold me - LOVE it! Thanks so much doll! 

Love you! 

-Your sister-in-law

Dear Shayla,

Some days you are still the one person who can annoy me in .03 seconds.  However, that doesn't mean I love you any less.  I think as we've gotten older, we're developing a more healthy distance in our sisterhood, which hopefully will be a more healthy closeness as we get even older and start setting down more.  I love you so much, and I wish you'd come visit me more often! 

Hugs and kisses!

-Your Sissie

Dear Brenton,

I still think you're kind of a weirdo, but you've grown on me a little more! Treat my baby sister good or I'll have to kill you.  Just sayin'...

-Your sister-in-law.

Dear Ryan,

I really miss my little blonde Ry-Ry.  The sweet little boy who used to carry around his pooh-bear and curl up on my lap for a story or fall asleep in my bed.  When you were a baby, and I'd be watching you, I'd get so nervous that I'd sneak into your room in the middle of the night to make sure you were still breathing.  I remember how I cried during The Labyrinth, and during Twister because in both shows they had a baby the same age as you in danger.  You were my Ryan.

Now you're all grown up.  There are more important things like girls and baseball.  I hate the part of growing up that forces away those connections we form as children.

I love you so much! 

-Your big sister.

Got something to say?  Write it out!

30 Letters: Day 3: Dear Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know I don't see you as often as I should, but I do love you both dearly! I wish we didn't get into as many arguments, but I love you anyway.  I'm grateful you've stopped judging me, or expecting me to be exactly what you want, and I hope you'll continue to just love me for who I am.

I am grateful for the way I was raised, even if it was hard sometimes.  I think the fact that you were so strict and not afraid to punish means I turned into a better and more responsible person.  I think more parents should spank their children, ground them, and be firm.  It makes for better adults.  Luckily, even with as strict as you are, it was still a loving environment to grow up in-most of the time.

I also need to thank you for instilling in me a high work ethic, I'm so grateful for my ability to work hard and excel at what I do.

Thanks Dad, for teaching me to love reading. I don't think I'd be half as intelligent if I didn't start reading books at such an early age, and loving them as much as you do.

Thanks Mom for passing your creative genes down to me.  I love that I'm an artist, and I wish I could be half as talented as you!

I couldn't have asked for much more, you are great parents! Even with all of our issues as a family, you are ten times less dysfunctional than the parents of my friends, and every time they complain about it I am ever so grateful for you both! 

Love you!

Wanna write some letters?  View the Curriculum! 

30 Days: Day 2: Dear Crush

Dear Crush,

Since you don't exist, I'm writing this letter out to the universe... I've been feeling so numb lately.  Numb because of the lack of falling madly in love; numb because of the lack of broken heartedness; and numb with the lack of desire for either feeling.

Some may say not feeling a broken heart, or aching for someone, is a good thing.  However, the numbess-this silence-that is my heart is maddening.  My brain tells me "You should go out and get swept up in the joy of a new romantic fling."  My heart responds "Maybe next week..." over and over again.  My brain says "Isn't there someone you should be missing or aching to find?"  My heart responds with it's carefree "Meh."  The brain gets desperate at this point and says "I'm so bored with everything right now!  Can't we please do something emotionally charging to break up the monotony of it all?"  My heart says "Have fun with that, I'm staying out of it."

So I guess, dear crush, if you're out there, I'd like you to come along and put the feeling back into me?  I'd like to meet someone who sends that bolt of energy to this battery hanging drained in my chest, a bolt enough to jump start feeling again.

Sincerely,

Loveless and Desire Free.

Want to play along?  Check out the curriculum!

30 Letters: Day 1: Dear Best Friend

Hey everyone!  Day one of my 30 letters challenge.  Today is supposed to be a letter to my best friend, but there really are so many of them that fall into that category.  For what it's worth, I'll pick my top 3 that I'm closest with, and write them each a letter.  I can't pick just one.

 ♥ ♥ ♥

Dear Kristina,

Having you as my best friend these last few years has been the best!  You are truly the one person in the world I can tell my deepest darkest secrets, my fears, my regrets, and my joys too without feeling judged and without worry that you'll think less of me.  You are my other half in so many ways, and I've been extremely grateful for our connection. It seems to get stronger every time, and this summer has been so crucial in our closeness, as I feel it more now after Denver and San Francisco, than ever.

Thank you for always being there for me, through thick and through thin.

I love you!
Angie

♥ ♥ ♥

Dear Josh,

You are one of my very best friends in the entire world, and I have so loved living with you!  Even in the rough times, you are one of the best roommates I've ever had.  I love that we can just hang out and be ourselves and not worry about what the other thinks.  Whether it's getting up early for Sunday breakfast or sitting around in our PJs watching True Blood.  You are the best, and you shouldn't believe otherwise.  Anyone would be lucky enough to have you, so keep your chin up and stop dating the crazies!

Love you always!

Angie

♥ ♥ ♥

Dear David,

You really are me with a penis, and I love you to the very depths of the ocean and to the heights of the universe.  You have always been there for me, and I always have a great time when we're together.  I need to see you so much! 

Remember, I can be your fag hag, and you can be my gay.

Also, fucking kiss them both at the same time.

Luuuuuuuuuuuuuurves!

You with boobs.

 ♥ ♥ ♥

Dear Heather,

I miss you sooooooo much!  I'm sad we never get to see each other anymore, but I want you to know that I love you forever and am so glad to have you in my life!  I need to come visit you, and you need to come visit me.  Plus, I want to love on your baby some more.

Love you lots! 

Angie

♥ ♥ ♥

Dear Matthew,

I am so glad we've remained friends after all of our history and all of these years!  Those two kids of yours are like honorary kids to me, and I've loved them very dearly.  I'm glad you moved in down stairs so I get to see you more often and do more with you, it makes everything better! 

Love ya!

Angie

Want to participate?  View the Curriculum.