Other Drivers Can Really Suck

Is it totally horrible that driving gives me semi-homicidal tendencies? Not only because someone is going SUPER slow in the fast lane (which happened today) but also for trivial things like stupid flowery licence plate covers (the same car that was going too slow in the fast lane). Is it bad that I feel bad for cars because they have completely lame owners?

Sometimes I see this white and pepto-pink bug. The other day, as I was turning out of Maverick (with my buddy Josh) I saw it, and I turned to him and said "Is it terrible that I want to hit that car just to put it out of it's misery?" To which he replied "Not at all. It's so ugly."

Also, I the other day with Matt we saw a black bug with red trim. That wasn't so bad, until you saw what was written in red across the entire black window. It said "Rich Bitch." Some stupid girl who probably bought the car with her daddy's money, actually put "Rich Bitch" on her car. It really screamed "Just key me."

I think personalized license plates are kind of silly too.

To be completely clear here, I would never do such things for real. However, that doesn't stop the urge because it's completely ridiculous.

Also, if anyone who reads this has any of these things... These are my personal opinions, and I love you all, even if I don't like your choices... Hehe.

But really, what do you all think?

P.S. Here's an ugly car for you to laugh at.

A Better Friend

I haven't been this low since high school, and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I've known I'm chemically depressed, but always refused to be put on medication for it. I usually revert to the mind-over-matter theory. Just after high school I made a conscious decision to bury the depression as deep as I possibly could so that I could continue with life and not feel so terrible all the time. It's worked fairly well (on and off, of course) until now, and I can't seem to pull myself out of it.

Even when I'm out with my friends, it's a very rare moment when I forget the ache inside and am able to just be. It's like being miserable all the time, and just pretending it isn't right there under the surface waiting to bubble up and destroy me. I try so hard to put on a good face, to smile and pretend, but I just cant anymore... Where did my act go? Why can't I pull myself up from this? I'm scared. So very scared. It used to be that even when the rest of the world was tumbling down I could be with my friends and feel sanity. What happens if I lose that?

When I was driving home today, a thought occurred to me, and I started bawling. Is this how you feel all the time? How could I have overlooked it? I've felt the depression before, but it's been so long since I've been at these depths that it's almost as if I had forgotten how bad it can be, and then I overlooked it in you... How could I have done that? How could I look at you and mentally log how you felt, but not realize the magnitude of it, even though I had been there before? I have kept thinking "If only you could pull yourself out. If only you could hear everything we're telling you, and how much we love you. If only you could accept that and pick yourself up." Oh my god, I feel so terrible. I had forgotten how it feels, and now I'm reminded and I hurt for you much stronger than the hurt inside of me is.

How could I have been such a bad friend and not recognized the level of hurt here? I'm so sorry. So very sorry. I hope you know I love you, and I wont try to fix you anymore. I'm just here, as your friend, someone you can rely on and talk to. Maybe now, I'm finally in the right mind set. Perhaps I had to feel this way to understand, and to be the friend that you deserve.

I love you my friend, and I really hope it gets better for you. I hope it gets better for us all some time soon...

Productive Distractions

So I've been keeping myself as busy as possible because I haven't wanted to be alone with my thoughts. That being said, it's been super productive. I made a whole bunch of invitations for my sister's bridal shower (and spent WAY too much money at the Hobby Lobby) and here are pictures of what I've done!

Her colors are black, white, purple and red, so the pink and green flowers are a bit out of place, but they're pretty!

I have an inexplicable love for polka dots (but my sister doesn't) and bows. So I combined them here.

The buttons are extremely cute! They're purple too so I'm thinking Shayla will like them.

These just have stickers or plain designs on them, but they're cute.

One of the coolest things I found for these were little silver rings that I could stick on there. So these ones all have the little silver rings!

The best part? Everyone one is unique and different, because I hand made them all! I love it! I wish I could find a market for my homemade cards. I'd sell them to people. :) I'm making some Christmas cards right now too, so I'll put pics of them up when I have some more finished.

Writers Workshop: My Crush

It's time for the writers workshop again! Yay! I'm excited to be participating again and getting my creative writing juices flowing, hopefully soon I'll sit down and write my novel. Did I mention I started one? Yeah, I'm only a few pages in, but at least it's progress!

The prompt I chose was "Tell us about your crush,"

Can I start by saying that I do indeed have a crush? It's a marvelous thing, and it's also quite the angst, feeling this way. To feel this envy because someone has it and you don't... When it's so beautiful and does so many wonderful things for you? I will get what I desire soon!

*Sniffle* Isn't it pretty? Who needs romance when you can have an iPhone? You're very own perfect little electronic that goes everywhere with you and always loves you no matter what? Josh finally got his, and since I've been playing with it I want one even more than I did before!

I'm so getting one as soon as it is financially responsible. Well, that is if I can get over my crush guilt. That's the guilt I get when I look at my perfectly good phone I already have and it says to me "Why are you abandoning me for the new-more-shiny model?" Then I feel bad and think that maybe I shouldn't get one until this phone dies... Decisions decisions!

When You Find You, Come Back to Me

You say you gotta go find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you

You say you're leavin' as you look away
I know there's really nothin' left to say
Just know I'm hear whenever you need me
I'll wait for you

[CHORUS]
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I wont go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

[CHORUS]

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
I can't fix you; I can't save you
It's something you have to do

[CHORUS x2)

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

-Come back to Me by David Cook

Caught in the Current.

It's been a little while since I posted, but everything has been so muddled in my head that I've had a hard time forming it into anything coherent or worthy of reading. Life just seems so turbulent right now, like I'm sinking into the rapids and can't seem to make my way into calm waters, let-alone the shore. There's a point when your body becomes too exhausted to fight anymore, and you just give up and let the water take you under, not caring whether you come up. I am almost at that point. However, that small part of me that keeps on refusing to give up reminds me that it's like a riptide. Riptides are very strong currents in the ocean, and swimmers are taught that if they happen to become caught in one, they are simply to ride it out and once it's done swim back to shore. So that's what I'm doing; I am waiting for the vast waters to stop sucking me further out, and then I will make my way back to shore. What more is there to do?

Loralee & The Health Care Reform

When I first started blogging and networking through the blogger sites, I came across a woman named Loralee. She is a friend of my friend Kara (who I went to high school with) and one bored day at work I casually started reading her blog. Soon, however, I realized there was nothing casual about her blog. She is a beautiful writer, and every blog I read drew me further into her saga, and then I found a blog that literally made me sit down and cry at work. You could feel her emotion with her, and even though it was crippling pain to feel her words that much, it made me want to write like her. It made me wish I had half the talent that she does. You can read the post that started my fascination with her here: "Her"

This woman has been through so much, including the loss of a child (read about her loss here: "Trauma"), something that I can't imagine having to go through. You don't ever get over that.

From reading her most recent blog I learned that through this last pregnancy (which is nearly 6 years after the loss of her 3 month old child to SIDS) she was denied Health Insurance because they deemed it a "pre-existing condition." I find myself shaking my head in disbelief and wondering how losing a child 6 years ago to something unrelated could be considered so, but lets face it, our health care system is royally fucked up.

The Health Care reform has been an issue of much debate, even amongst my friends who have had some pretty valid points. I've seen many conversations even on Facebook, and one friend will complain about "socialized health care" and both liberal and conservative alike have joined in the ongoing post voicing their opinions on the matter. What do I think? I think we need change, big time, and that we need it soon. This is coming from a low-earning uninsured individual who pays her taxes and (for the most part) abides by the law and lives her life the way she should. I pay for medicare and social security, and yet I don't use medicare and the SS will probably be gone by the time I come around to needing it. Taxes aren't going to go away if we say "I'll pay every cent of my own health care." So let's put some of them towards something that may actually help more of us out!

I am by-far no expert on the matter, and I have no idea what I would do exactly, but who am I but a lowly citizen with a stifled voice? The White House doesn't care what I have to say on the matter. Or am I wrong? Loralee, granted is much more well-known out there in cyberspace, but she's just another citizen like me, and living right here in conservative little Utah! What's the relevance? Loralee was invited to speak with Valerie Jarrett, a senior advisor to the President of the United States, about her views on the Health Care Reform. Isn't it wonderful that someone on our level actually got to go out there and have her voice heard by the White House? To have her story passed on to President Obama?

This gives me hope that the voice of the little guy will start to be heard again.

"Every government degenerates when trusted to the rulers of the people alone. The people themselves are its only safe depositories." - Thomas Jefferson

You can read Loralee's blog about her interview with the White House by clicking the title below.

The only thing that would have made attending a luncheon with a senior advisor to the president to hear my views on health care reform cooler is if it had actually been held at The White House. (I would have totally pinched some hand lotion from Obama's bathroom. I bet he uses the good stuff.)

Read Valerie Jarett's post on Loralee (on the White House web page) by clicking the following link.

Talking Health Reform with Loralee

Writers Workshop: If These Walls Could Talk.

Ok, so I told myself I was going to start participating in these writers workshops over at Mamma Kat's blog again. She usually has really great prompts, and I need to keep my creative juices flowing or I'll never sit down and write my books which also means I'll never become a writer; which is my life-long dream. So here it is.

If these walls could talk... They would tell you my entire life story, starting from when I was one year old and my grandmother bought this house. Oh the things this house has seen and been through! It would start with a grandmother, who loved her grandchildren more than anything in the world and from the first week her oldest grandchild was born, she began taking her for sleepovers on the weekend. Here this child learned how to care for animals and love all creatures equally. Within these walls, a small life was shaped and formed; setting the groundwork for what was to come.


If these walls could talk... They would show you the development of that blond little girl as her hair darkened and she became an awkward teenager. A girl with insecurities who became stronger because she was teased about her weight. Not knowing how to dress, or how to feel better about herself, she let her friends use her any way they could. However, as this girl grew older and older, she never stopped running to grandma's house to hide away. Here everything in the world seemed better, and when she was homesick, it wasn't for her own bedroom, but for these walls.


If these walls could talk... They would tell you how that girl grew older, and graduated high school. How she finally learned to dress and accentuate her body type. They would tell you of her first boyfriend whom she abandoned these walls for, but still brought here at Christmas time. These walls would tell you of the countless times she even escaped here as she grew into an adult and started making her way in the world, and of countless other boyfriends and dates she experienced.

If these walls could talk... They would whisper ever-so-softly the secrets of the girl, who is now grown and yet still spinning around. You'd hear how strong she's become on the outside, even when everything seems to be crashing down around her and there is nothing but chaos within. How she spends as much time with her friends as she can, because they are the people who most complete her life, even though she longs for something more... She longs to be held at night. These walls would betray her as they told you that no matter how much she protests she still aches to settle down, and to find that one person who fulfills her life and wishes to grow old with her. But she'll keep waiting, and these walls will keep building her secrets as long as they are there.


If these walls could talk... I would beg them to be tactful as they spoke.

What's So Great About Picket Fences?

Little boys and little girls dream of big big things
They're taught at a tender age just what life should bring
Get a job, say "I do" and settle yourself down
But what about those of us who's lives are still spinnin' around?

Tell me, what's so great about picket fences?
Painting them is such a mess...
And a big back yard where kids can play?
I'd probably never get a moments rest...
And setting the table for five at five?
Only means more dishes to load...
What's so great about picket fences?
I guess I'll never know...

Here I am, in my prime, at least they tell me so
And if I go to sleep at night I always go alone
I guess that I could have it all and someone by my side
But I can't take the give and take, the price is just too high

Tell me, what's so great about picket fences?
Painting them is such a mess...
And a big back yard where kids can play?
I'd probably never get a moments rest...
And setting the table for five at five?
Only means more dishes to load...
What's so great about picket fences?
I guess I'll never know...

Tell me, what's so great about picket fences?
I guess I'll never know...
-Picket Fences by Chely Wright

I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I know that I said that I would focus on myself and just work on me, and I have been, but still... It's the nights that are hardest, when the activities of the day have finally come to a close and I'm lying there trying to quiet the spinning in my head; these are the times when I miss him most. There's the occasional song that reminds me of him, or a sad one that brings out the buried aching in my heart. At these times it's nearly impossible to think of the progress I am making in my life, because all I can focus on is the complete failure in my love life and the fact that I want someone who's not there.

My friends keep telling me to let go, and to move on. They think I'll always be waiting if I stay here and wait. It's not that they don't like him, they respect him and think he's a good guy, they just don't think he'll be coming around and they're tired of seeing me let-down. He is a good guy, and everything about him that makes me think he's completely perfect for me and wants all the same things as me, keep me here. It keeps me from moving on, even though he said he could not ask me to wait, yet I choose to wait. I choose the hurt and the constant insecurity. I choose the let-down every time he doesn't call, or message me, or possibly even think about me... This is me, keeping myself here in this rut, not ready to move on because part of me is still holding on to that very small hope that things will work out.

But what do I do? I don't want to let go or give up on us, but I don't want to be waiting the rest of my life for something that may never come... I just don't know what is right here.

Ten Things I've Left Unsaid

Yeah, I know I've done this before... But it was a writing prompt over at Mamma Kat's, and I've not been doing any of them lately (I know, kick me in the but) and thought I'd participate after reading being inspired by the beautiful Lacey over at Lacey in Love. So here it is.

10. Sometimes I completely hate the way you treat other people, especially your family. It hurts me to think that at one point in our childhood we were so close, and now all you are cynical and self-righteous. I will love you forever, but that doesn't mean I have to like you, because you don't treat anyone like you want them to like you. You're condescending, and for someone who is still young and immature, you act like you know everything and that no one else can be right. Grow up, then learn to love and treat people with respect.

09. I love you both so much, I wish you could just bury the hatchet and forget the past. I wish you could at least be semi-civil to each other so we can all hang out again. I don't know when I'm going to be able to invite you guys to the same functions, and that really really bothers me. However, no matter what happens, I'll still love you both and will still never pick a side.

08. I think you're too young, and it hasn't been long enough. But it's your life, and your decision and I'll still be here to support you in it.

07. Sometimes you drive me absolutely insane, you're overbearing and pushy, but I realize you do it out of love. I love you so much, I don't know what I'll ever do without you.

06. I really really really hope you two hook up! ;)

07. I took a month away to right myself and my emotions, and as far as I can tell it worked splendidly. I've managed to bury the extra emotions deep enough that we can just be friends and go on living our lives. I'm so glad that you're my friend, I just wish that you could take what happened then between us and use it to learn from. You need to see things more clearly sometimes, instead of letting your own self-hatred cloud reality. You really are amazing.

05. I've been so grateful to have someone to talk to that understands what I'm going through, I'm just sorry you have to be going through something similar... Something worse... I love you though!

04. I can't believe the way you two fight sometimes, it's like you don't even love each other anymore. I love you both and I really hope you can work it out or go your separate ways and be friends. Staying together for the kids isn't always a good thing, even if they have a split-up household rather than a dysfunctional example of a relationship. I really want you guys to be happy.

03. We fight a lot, but I still love you. Perhaps we fight because I'm so much like you, except that I'm much more open-minded. I wish you could see that it's my life and I see things more differently than you, that doesn't mean I think your wrong, I just think we all live our lives differently.

02. I miss you very very much! Come back home!

and...

01. I have this feeling about you... It's crazy, but you make me think about babies and picket fences and all of those things that should really freak me out, but don't when you're in the picture. You ignite such passion within me, whether it's shouting "I love you!" from the rooftops, or getting me all fired up with anger, it's because you inspire me so... I wish our timing could be better, I wish we could for once in our totally muddled relationship could feel the same thing at the same time, but it doesn't seem to be happening... You were ready, and I was scared, now I'm ready and you're not there to be ready with... I can honestly say I don't know what to do. A very large part of me wants to wait for you, but then logic kicks in and says "what if he's never ready? What if you spend all this time waiting and miss out on life because it fails in the end?" So I think I just have to go on living my life for now, and keep some small hope tucked away that eventually we'll end up together, at the right time and place. If not, I will make it past the initial sadness and be grateful for the experiences we had together... I will keep them as fond memories. You do mean so much to me.

Zombie Walk: Braaaaaiiiinnnnssss....

First of all, can I just say, I make one freaking sexy Zombie?

Anyways... Just a quickie with some awesome photos for your viewing pleasure. Matthew, Ken and I met Josh and Max in Salt Lake for the second annual Zombie Walk. It was so much fun! I absolutely loved my bloody face and it was good times all around. Here are some photos...

Focusing on Me, Still Loving You.

Just adding a quick update, since my last entry was so dark... Things are OK, still working out how everything is going to be, but isn't that the way of life? It's not over, it's just taking a slightly different path for a while, and it could be a good thing for us both!

After a good discussion, it looks like he's not ready for a relationship just yet. It seems that a lot of it is due to the lack of time to commit, and the fact that he doesn't want to feel like he's constantly letting me down because he can't be there, so we're just not going to commit. Of course I had thought that taking the next step (i.e. commitment) was a good thing because A: I really don't want to date anyone but him and B: To be completely honest-the thought of him dating someone else grinds my teeth. Since he doesn't really have time for dating he is going to focus on his life (job, work, and occasionally me) and not really date anyone else.

Of course, he gave me the spill about it not being fair to ask me to wait, so he wont, etc. But honestly, I still don't really want to date anyone but him. So I'm following suit. I'm not waiting, instead I'm focusing on me, while he and I take it slow and get to know each other better. He also brought up the whole "You should marry your best friend" thing, which I agree with and acknowledge that we haven't spent enough face-to-face time together, so we're going to spend the next little while working on becoming best friends and building up to a relationship, as we both want to end up there eventually. Slow and easy.

So in the spirit of focusing on me, here are a few things I will be working on/towards over the next little while. The stuff in red are steps I've already taken toward that goal.

• Getting a high-paying job with benefits. (Starting back at my old job next week. No benefits yet, but pretty high-paying!)
• Getting some dental work taken care of. (Apt on the 20th)
  
• Finding my own place *with roomie* in Salt Lake/Sugarhouse (Josh and I can start looking soon!)
• Paying off all of my debt (Working with UHEAA/Weber State to work it out)
• Working toward going back to school. (Psychology!)
  
• Maybe get my A+ and other Certs for technical support to work while in school.
• Lose weight! Buy a bicycle and a new gym membership! (I'm eating a lot better!)
  
• Spend time with friends and family.
  
• Start writing again and get something published eventually. (Started my book!)
• Learning French! (I've been working on this for a while!)
  

All of that should keep me fairly busy while he finishes up his last few weeks at the job that takes all of his time, and then he'll go back to school and I'll still be busy enough that I wont need so much attention. :) So we can work on letting our relationship take off when the time is right.

Wish me luck!

Turmoil, Turbulence, and Torment.

Oh what turmoil I find myself in at the moment. Physically I am caught up in a whirlwind of filling out paperwork, finding a job, thinking about finding an apartment and trying to spend time with so many of my friends and family... Emotionally, well you could say I'm a complete mess at the moment, though I have carefully composed my exterior presence to conceal such turbulence.

It wasn't so easy yesterday or the day before, as I was wracked with emotions just pushing themselves out of me. There was no way to hold them in, and I was too weak to try anymore. How can I be so wrong about things sometime? Also, why do I let my fiery Aries impulses have the better of me and ruin things? I've always been prone to impulse, it's my nature being a fire/fire/water-Aries/Leo/Scorpio combination. However, I have also been more logical than most women, able to seem pretty normal and not crazy like most girls come off. That is why I have so many guy friends, and all of my girlfriends tend to fall into the same category, because we generally want to avoid drama at all costs.

Unfortunately right now, I am feeling very much the emotional woman who is weak and vulnerable. I'm at a complete loss of things to distract me from the internal torment of being in Limbo, and the worry about losing something I've felt so right about for the majority of the last year and a half.

I love him. There's no denying it, I've admitted it openly to him now, and I've accepted it within myself. There is this future I see with him, one where we end up together, where we spend the rest of our lives together, and where he loves me back as much as I do him. Is this a complete fantasy? Is this feeling I've felt in my gut since the first day I met him simply misleading? It has always felt like he's the one, and now I find myself questioning whether or not he is going to end it and I am going to be completely wrong... It's never felt this right, I don't want to have to give up on it now...

He canceled on me again, which I know is not his fault because of his work, but it's still hard to not blame him sometimes because it happens so frequently. After being away for a month, and so looking forward to seeing him, I let my emotions get the better of me when he canceled. That is one of my flaws that I am working on, I usually manage to get my hopes up pretty high, so that the disappointment hits me very hard. I was angry, and hurt, and I texted him a couple of times to let him know that. Why couldn't I have just sucked it up and said "Call me so we can talk about this later?" and then vented to someone else? Maybe it was because I wanted to always be open with him, and he wanted me to always be open... Maybe being completely open with someone can equal being too open, and some things are better left bottled up. In any case, it was certainly the wrong timing... I should have waited.

I honestly don't know, but I do know that I am now completely consumed with worry that he's going to end it before we've ever had a real chance to try. Especially because I don't want to imagine my future without him. The knowledge that I will survive anything is there, because I am strong and I have done it before, but I also know that it will take immense pain to deal with the loss of "us," as well as the loss of someone I care for so dearly.

"I'd be lying if I told you, losing you was something I could handle."
- The White Tie Affair (Candle)

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
- Reinhold Niebuhr