Thursday, December 10, 2009
Physical Intimacy & How I Place Too Much Importance On It
Maybe it's because sex isn't all physical to me. The physical I can handle on my own, it's the intimate connection I expect from being with another person that keeps me coming back. I think the other night I desperately wanted to connect again, and the only logical conclusion I could come to was to use sex to keep us from drifting further apart, but not everyone thinks like me, and that isn't necessarily the healthiest way to go about it.
This doesn't mean anything is going to change; I just thought it was interesting. One thing I can say though, since we didn't sleep together the other night, I do think things have changed, at least within me. However, that's not necessarily a bad thing; it might be just what I need. Last night I was thinking about how he was with the other girl he's dating and how she was "getting my makeup sex" and it agitated me. I started thinking more in depth about what he was asking me to do by continuing to see him knowing he was seeing other people, and about just what I was asking myself by deciding to keep seeing him in such circumstances.
I care for him very much, but I'm not sure if I will be able to continue on with this knowledge in the back of my head. For now, I haven't made any complete decisions, but I have to take into consideration that I do indeed want something real and sound. I want to feel like I'm special to someone, and I don't think I can get that knowing that those special things he does for me, he's doing for someone else too.
If I discontinue, it will indeed be difficult because of the feelings I have for him; but I need to start believing that I am worth more. That I deserve more. Not just here, but throughout the rest of my life. No more selling myself short, I'm going to reach for those things in life that make me happy, because I deserve to be happy.