So I had my date with [Womanizer] last night. The whole day I stressed that I would get stood up, and when he didn't return my call when I called him at lunch (like he asked) to make plans, I got worried. When I tried again at my last break, no answer either. So I texted him to make sure he wasn't going to stand me up. He replied that he'd gotten a job, and he was sorry but he was going to work late.
So that set me into a foul mood to begin with, because I really thought he was going to be canceling on me. Found out, he was just going to be late. Yeah yeah yeah, I shouldn't jump to conclusions, and I shouldn't overreact. In any case, he showed up at my house about 9:30, and picked me up. We went to IHOP to have dinner (since it's Utah, there's not much open after that time) and we sat and talked.
I was awkward, I wont lie. I pretty much just sat there and didn't make very good conversation. He was confused, and I felt bad. You could definitely tell that he was expecting more when he came home, and honestly that's my fault. Argh! Why do I have to go back and forth so much and flip flop on what I want? It's all because one moment I really want it, and then another I get scared and tend to shy away from it. Blech!
Also, I really know I shouldn't make comparisons... Especially not when I'm feeling awkward. What on earth is wrong with me? Why do I always have to be so Jaded, and why do I always have to try and screw it up for myself? Gods, some of the things I found myself failing to explain, left him looking like I'd killed his cat or something. Awful!
The conversation was pretty serious, he told me basically everything he wants and what time frame he is looking at. What's funny is, I want all of those things too! I just think my time frame is a little different, I'm a little slower, and it takes me longer to make up my mind. I've been impetuous before, I don't want to rush right in to rush right back out again. But I don't want to hesitate so long I lose my shot at something that could potentially be great for me.
By the end of the evening I'd warmed up enough that I offered my hand, and was talking and opening up a bit more. I still wasn't wavering much on my uncertainty, but I was doing a better job of explaining it. *I think* He had to go home about 11:00, because he had to be up at 5am the next day, but we discussed seeing each other Sunday, and I got gutsy enough to give him a quick peck or two before he left... I still hope I'll get over the nerves.