I'm very worried that I might have screwed things up with [womanizer] due to my own emotional inadequacies. When we had our date last week, I was awkward and quiet, but genuinely thought by the end of the night that I had warmed up a bit, and that when I kissed him goodnight I was showing that I was still interested. Apparently, it didn't come off that way, and thus one of the reasons I ended up pretty low on his priority list come Sunday when he forgot our plans. He even said the kiss seemed awkward and he thought I was only doing it because I felt it was expected.
Yesterday on my break I spoke with him, and he was starting to write me off. After our date on Thursday he drove home and was really discouraged, but thought he had at least made a good friend, because he felt the emotion was all one-sided. For the record, I want to be more than just his friend! There were things he said to me that I could have been a little hurt by (though he wasn't meaning to be hurtful, just truthful) but all I could think was that I had hurt him so much with my wish-washy back and forth attitude, and that tore me up inside. He told me he had opened his chest up and laid it all out on the table for me, and I just sat there and stared at him. He wanted me to speak from the heart and show him how I really felt, and I didn't. This makes me feel horrible and like a failure, because it was never my intention, and I do indeed care for him a great deal. I'm really worried about this, because he matters to me, and sometimes I think I never see my future so clearly as when I'm imagining it with him... He still feels right.
Suffice it to say I didn't sleep much, and I probably wont this week. We've planned to get together on Sunday and talk about it a little more, and I know I have to go the extra mile and fight for what I want. I've pushed him too far and he's shutting me out, and I realize now that I had walls up that weren't letting me be completely real with him the other night, and now I have to tear them down and be as vulnerable as I can be. For I honestly believe, it will only be when I show him my every vulnerability and leave myself emotionally exposed will he see how I really feel. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty scared to do so, but I have to take this risk because I know it will be worth it.
He asked me to make a list of the 10 things (or more) I wanted in a significant other, so I thought I'd include it here. I ended up with 35 things, and I may add more to it before we discuss it on Sunday. This was a good idea, it'll make it easier for me to talk about it all, because I'll have it in writing!
1. My best friend, one who I can do just about anything with and never get sick of.
2. The person who can look at me first thing in the morning, with no makeup and messy hair and tell me I am still the most beautiful woman they've ever seen.
3. They will not want to cage me, instead take my hand and run with me forever, and settle with me when we're ready to settle together.
4. "Someone dorky, because I'm a dork and I want dorky children." - Alanis
5. They should be sensible, and have a good head on their shoulders but still not afraid to let loose once in a while and run through the sprinklers at 2am on a random night.
6. Someone goal-oriented, who chases after what they want in life and doesn't let stagnancy take over.
7. A man who will woo me for the rest of my life, and make me fall in love with him every second of every day.
8. One who gets my quirks, and understands my need for everything to be unique. I don't want romance like everyone else has, I want my own memories and I want them to stand out. For example: stopping to hand pick a handful of wildflowers rather than buying roses, or buying a cheap ring out of a vending machine because it reminded him of me.
9. A person who loves to be outdoors in nature, who will hike, camp, ride and play with me in the dirt and lake.
10. Someone good with kids, who loves them and they love him back.
11. Passion and fire, the man who will grab me and push me up against the wall just because they want to kiss me that badly.
12. Someone who is never afraid to try new things, or if they are they will do it anyway at least once.
13. A person I can have long in-depth conversations that last hours, and who I can also sit in total silence with when the need is there and not feel the need to talk.
14. A travel companion, who will go with me to see the world and escape at times.
15. Someone who understands my need for change, and wont get mad if I rearrange the furniture every few months or want to re-paint the bedroom, or dye my hair a funky color.
16. An animal lover who will allow me to have pets, because I love them.
17. Chivalry is not dead. If he opens the door for me, he definitely gets bonus points.
18. He needs to understand it's the little things that matter. Grand gestures are marvelous, but they're not always necessary. Sometimes writing "I love you" on the back of an envelope on the way out the door in the morning is enough.
19. Someone who thinks I'm a priority, and who values my company above all others.
20. A person who enjoys his friends, and who enjoys my friends as well. He has to want to hang out with my friends as much as he wants me to hang out with his. My friends are my family.
21. One who loves me even when we're fighting and angry at each other.
22. A man who knows how to man up and be strong when necessary, but who also can let me see his sensitive side, like crying when handed his child for the first time.
23. Variety. Maybe one night we want to stay in and watch a movie, but the next we want to go out dancing, and then the next we have a couple friends over to play games and/or BBQ.
24. Someone active, who will run and jump and play with me and go climbing all over the mountain just because we're curious what the view is from the top.
25. He has to get along with my family, and his family should love me too.
26. Give and take. We both have to be able to give at times, and take at times. Balance is necessary.
27. The person who at the end of the day, just can't wait to get home to me so they can kiss me and tell me all about their day - no matter how boring, just because they want to see me.
28. Someone I want to fall asleep next to each night, and awake next to every morning & who feels likewise.
29. A true romantic. The kind who hears a song that reminds him of me, then comes home and plays it for me and cuddles or dances with me in the living room while we listen. (My daddy used to do this.)
30. Someone who matches my drive in bed! :P
31. A person who pushes me to better myself, but still loves me even if I fall short.
32. Honesty. Always always Honesty. This should be number 1!
33. Someone who has faith in something. I don't want someone who never believes in the magic of the universe. Be it God, or the Universe, or anything... Just as long as it's something...
34. A guy who has "guys night out" or spends time with his friends outside of the relationship and who allows me to do so too at times, but who still misses me because I'm not there.
35. Someone who doesn't "need" me, but rather "wants" me with every fiber of his being.